i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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