Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
