I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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