If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
