I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
