Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
50% drunk capacity currently
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize