O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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