she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
