In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize