mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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