Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
