bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
