She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
