ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize