is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize