I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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