Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
