Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
