she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
