took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
