Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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