Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
