She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
