so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize