I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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