I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
These tits shall not be calmed
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
