Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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