Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
