If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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