I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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