sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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