Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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