I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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