Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
