remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
