They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
