Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize