does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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