you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
