can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
