cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
