my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
