did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
