Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
