I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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