His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
i need some magic done to my vagina
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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