I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I can text with my tongue
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
