At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
