im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
