Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
