If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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