apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
