Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
