you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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