We're facebook friends in real life
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
