I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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