i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
