How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
