it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize