Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
