My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
