i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
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