Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
