they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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