we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
