I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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