soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
