Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
